Temporary Resident Tourist - Day 1

Key word: Positivity. Learn to laugh at self and at others rather than to be offended. I can do this. I can do this...maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe it...

So the little-city-that-thinks-its-big-cause-its-near-the-big-city is funny.

I said good morning to the random lady I passed on the street, 'cause it was, and she looked at me like she wasn't sure if I was quite human. But there were people who distinctly smiled at me on my very first shopping trip in this crazy town, and the lady at Duane Reed was quite nice ('couse, she was African, and they're always friendly, so many it doesn't count).

I feel very stupid because I only speak (or somewhat understand) 2-3 of the millions of languages spoken by all the people. But it certainly motivates me to learn more!

The sky does get blue here! It's quite helpful for morale.

The big electronics store here doesn't carry ethernet cables. It's owned by frum people, so maybe they don't want to sell anything that can be a מכשול. Pretty impressive! But where's Radio Shack when you need them...?

I understand why so many Israelis move to Brooklyn. There're so many little holes in the wall where you can buy stuff, and they also use those black plastic bags!

Addendum:
Everyone uses Buicks! What do they see in them? (Aside from the whole looking-like-a-government-official thing...well...maybe that's it!)

Public Service Announcement

Attention world:

Lemme get one thing straight. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not sad, I'm not bitter, I'm certainly not depressed about my friends getting married. So stop assuming I am! I don't think I'm old, I don't think I'm over the hill, and you know what? It doesn't upset me that this summer, two of my best friends married people that will love them to pieces! I wish them only joy and a bayis ne'eman, and all good things in the world. Why would I feel otherwise? Why do you assume that I would חלילה wish anything but that? Part of loving someone is wishing only the best for them in life. And when my dear ones find their dear ones, that's amazing and wonderful and fantastic! :)

So stop feeling bad for me, stop pitying me. If I'm not sad for me, why should you be?

Thank You

In the news: The Rosh Yeshiva at Mir suggested that none of the boys go on Bein Hazmanim. To paraphrase what I heard that he said, "if you're not fighting, then you'd better be learning."

The Obvious Difference

From Slate.com














Edit: The artist's name is Gary Varvel (not all of the posts on slate are that pro-israel...or rather, pro-honesty...but alas, such is modern media...)

Edit #2: For more inspirational pictures of the soldiers, see this (the words are in Hebrew, but the pictures are pretty self-explanatory ;) )

I've been starving...

I'm a perpetual student. If something exists, I want to know about it - why, how, where...everything that there is to know, I want to know. It's why when friends ask me what I want for a gift, I tell them to look at my Amazon Wish List (which has no fiction on it). It's why Harrius Potter et Philosophi Lapis was a very thoughtful (and well-used) gift, and why I'm up to Unit 5 in "Alif Baa," an Arabic textbook. It's why I'm going to graduate school...forever ;)

So in the past few years, I've been studying hard, learning lots, and generally getting good grades (Baruch Hashem! ;) ). And...I've been starving. I didn't realize it until recently, but I was gasping for air, for the slightest breath. Caught up in all my work and studies, I barely noticed the lack - but now that I have it back, my world is brighter!

It's Torah.

Sounds cliché , perhaps, but it's true. Earlier this summer, in a weak moment, I told someone that I would give a shiur for women. I'm still not so sure why she asked me, but she did, and I said yes - and so I have to face the consequences. I returned to my high school and seminary notes, scrounging for topics. I borrowed books from all over to research the material. And I'm still terrified for the speech. But I'm feeling so accomplished, so content. There's really something amazing about learning Torah - it changes you, it affects you.

And so when I sit down to my banquet of preparation, every night, I relish each word, each letter. And I hope I never forget this feeling again. Learning is wonderful, but learning Truth...there's nothing like it.

Crazy situations...what can you do about Israel?

So I'm not really sure what to say about this matter...

I just want to reiterate what other bloggers have mentioned:

We have to be davening every day with major extra kavana (Scraps mentioned that "Individually or in groups, people are recommended to say the following perakim of Tehillim: 6, 13, 20, 22, 30, 79, 83, 121, 130, 142.") Keep an ear out for shul gatherings in your area for group tehillim.
Edit: The above tehillim are the ones we said at an incredibly intense gathering of seemingly the entire city at shul tonight, so I can confirm that they're the ones that have been "recommended."

Keep updated on the news. It's really important to know what's going on - these are our brothers and sisters we're talking about! I personally get my news from Jameel @ the Muqata (currently hosting fellow blogger Rock of Galilee and his family, refugees from the North...)

We have to focus on positive portrayals of Eretz Yisroel to all the confused people around us (at work, etc.) who (silly them) believe Western media. Here would be a good place to point out a great post of Olah Chadasha discussing the positive reactions of many of the Lebanese (and NOT Palestinian - don't mix them up!) toward Israel's invasion of their own country, which is amazing. But they hate the Hezbolla as well - they've been destroying their country for years!

Cross-Currents gives Top Ten list of "Ways to Help Israel," which I think is fairly insightful.

My personal one? When you're feeling an intense negative emotion about the small things in life ("oh, he cut me off; my friends don't like me; I'll never be able to..."), focus that emotion on the greater situation in כלל ישראל. It's not an easy exercise, but try it. You're feeling the emotion anyway...use it to focus outside of YOU and more into the US.

Other ideas? Let me know...

Edits:
Scraps mentioned that "Rav Elyashiv is recommending people say perakim 13, 70, 125, and 128 for the current matzav."

She also included other "up-to-the-minute" news bloggers:
www.israellycool.com/blog (IsraellyCool)
israelrules.blogspot.com

I also want to point out JBlogosphere's War post, which includes a live news feed, what-we-can-do, and a pretty long list of "up-to-the-minute" bloggers.

Simple Joys

Simple joys have a simple voice:
It says why not go ahead?
Wouldn't you rather be a left-handed flea
A crab on a slab at the bottom of the sea...
-Pippin, the Musical

I was driving home from work today (that's where I do much of my thinking recently...there's nothing like traffic to help with philosophy), and I noticed something that was so simple and sweet, and made me smile. I started to think about the simple joys in life, little things that make me smile and give me a warm feeling inside. It's like singing about favorite things - it just makes you feel content with the world at large.

So here's my list. What's yours?

1. The inspiration for this post: Two people in the car behind me were singing together to their radio. I couldn't hear them, but I saw them in my rearview mirror, and they were just sharing a moment together. I almost felt like I was intruding to watch them, but seeing happy people like that makes me happy.

2. Music. It calms the nerves, soothes the soul...I once wrote a post on it (or started to? I don't remember). But there's something amazing about the power of music. And it gives me a simple joy.

3. Blue skies. After a week of pouring rain, blue skies are like an apology for the bad weather. And they make everything okay (for me, at least).

4. Blossoming things. My sister has this rubber plant that's been just doing nothing for years. It had leaves, but never grew any more, and just kinda sat there forever. Last week, I noticed a new leaf. It was a different color than the other leaves, a lighter green, but it was so fresh and new - a sign of new life. Nature has a wonderful beauty that man-made things can never capture. 'מה רבו מעשיך ה

5. Baking. Baking is one of my personal simple joys. I'm not like my sister, who goes to the mall to de-stress (in fact, the mall usually stresses me out). I guess I'm a good Jewish woman, 'cause I love making food for other people. And it de-stresses me. (It also probably explains the phenomenon as to why my body build is so different from my sister's :) ).
Tonight: Blondies, Baby Ruth Bars, and choco chip cookies.

6. My family. Baruch Hashem, they're absolutely awesome. And I'm gonna miss them sooooo much. (Why am I moving away again? Do I really have to? And to....there?)

7. The fact that my friends worry so much about me. They really shouldn't, 'cause by worrying, they sometimes create problems that don't exist, but it shows that they care about me. And we all need to know that we're cared about.

8. An exceptionally beautiful turn of phrase. I can't express my feelings in words, and so I'm amazed by those who can touch people in any way (for good, but bad also, unfortunately) through their words. An addendum to this is people who are not afraid to say when they feel spontaneous (good) emotions.

9. Kindred spirits (of course ;) )

Kindred Spirit

How would you define a kindred spirit?

(And, for extra points - but not to replace an answer - where is the term from? It could be more than one place, but there's one specific...and Stx, you're not allowed to answer the E.C. question until 5 people answer ;) )

TRW's Theory of Relativity

If A = bad, and B = 2a, and C = 2b and so on, then after an abundance of Z, A starts looking pretty good.

Contentment

I learned a lesson from my כלה מיידל tonight. Four days before her wedding, IY"H, with stress piling up, and everyone asking her in that worried voice "are you okay?", she provided an answer that was so simple and possibly cliche, but showed me a lot.

"Why should I be worried? I know I made the right choice, and what else should I be worried about?"

Now, in all honesty, there are things to worry about, and she is worrying about them. But the concept of Bridezilla never occurred to her. That she could be obnoxious and demanding, and everyone would do what she wanted anyway, excusing it because "well, she is getting married next week..." did not even cross her mind (maybe it did, but she's doing a pretty good job not showing it!). She's being sweet, caring, and considerate. And if she can be this way at this time, what right have I to be anything but, when I have no such stresses to worry about?

I'm proud to call her my friend. And I wish her the bestest of the bestest (even though she probably won't even read this...)

:)

Commencement

According to Wiktionary (which so many of my co-academicians would be shocked to see me using, but hey, it's convenient):

1. The first existence of anything; act or fact of commencing; rise; origin; beginning; start.

2. The day when degrees are conferred by colleges and universities upon students and others.

3. A graduation ceremony, from a school, college or university.

I like that it's both a beginning and an end. It's one of those rare profundities that emphasize how חכמה בגוים תאמין. And it really is, for me. It's the end of an era in my life, that's for sure, but the beginning of a new one. A continuation of the same, but in such a different way.

Some things that I learned from university:
1. You may be the only ספר תורה a stranger will ever meet.

2. It's a crazy world out there. B"H for my family, my life, etc.

3. There is no such thing as a plutonic relationship. Ever. Whether you feel emotion or not, apparantly others do...and then things get uncomfortable.

4. There are so many genuinely thinking people out there, trying to figure it all out.

5. I have it all figured out (or at least, I have the tools to figure it all out. It'll take me multiple lifetimes to actually do so).

6. There are so many people who don't think beyond their own skin - or other people's skin. And I feel sorry for them.

7. Those huge paper bags that you get at clothing stores are very useful for returning dozens of books to the library.

8. If they want to give you honors in the academic world, they tell you to wrap a rope around your neck. After much discussion, it was decided that you're gonna end up with a rope around your neck if you go the Ph.D route, so it's useful to have a colorful one.

9. Graduating as the only Summa Cum Laude in your department is a bit anticlimactic when none of your family or friends know what it means. Alas, priorities...

10. There are a lot of people who care about me, even though I disappear under a mound of books every semester. I love those people. I'm going to miss them. But they're gonna keep in touch, and I'll sharpen up my letter-writing skills once again! (And my IMing skills will reach perfection).

Friends Forever?

As I near graduation from university, and as so many things happen in the worlds of the people around me, I took out my yearbooks last night-from both middle school and high school. It was an eye-opening experience, and I cried, for the first time in quite a while.

It was a kind of selfish crying, when I think about it. So many people close to me are going through things that are so much more worthy of tears, but it was reading my old yearbooks that finally did it for me.

I suppose the nostalgia kinda rushed over me unexpectedly, and that's what hit me so strongly. I was reading the messages that people wrote to me so long ago, between 8th and 12th grades. We were so innocent, so excited for the future. So happy to start a new chapter in our lives and sure that we'd all continue our relationships just as they were.

The Graduation Song from Vitamin C has been playing in my mind ever since:

As we go on
We'll remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever...

That's what made me cry. Those words of certainty from people whom I thought would always be there, would always know my every thought, and would never leave. Many of them did, though, some earlier than others, and some later.

Certainty is impossible, and I'm the proof of it-I'm beginning a new chapter of my life soon as well, and leaving people behind. Shinuy makom, shinuy mazal. I certainly hope that it is only a physical leavetaking from those friends that remain, and not a permanent one, but considering the odds, who knows.

I guess there's not really a point to this post...I'm just emoting, and I'm not sure how to address it, so I'm attempting it through words.

(If blogger had the emoticons that livejournal had, I'd put "mood: uncertain")

Is Your World in Color, or Black and White?

Today I saw a film for a class that I'm taking. It was shocking, terrifying, and altogether disturbing. There was no blood, nudity, or foul language. In fact, it was made in 1940.

The name of the film was Jud Suss. It was made under Goebell's propaganda program, to show how decietful, hypocritical, dirty, and downright disgusting the Jews were, and how, in Martin Luther's words, one should "burn their synagogues and schools..."

I don't even know how to describe it. I never was all that good with words, but after I saw it, I was upset that such a film could ever be shown to anyone (incidentally, it was supposed to have been destroyed after WWII, but a Soviet film company copied it and sold it to a very large audience of in the Middle East - and the audience was not Jews).

But we can learn something from everything. So what was the lesson I took out of it?
The difference between black and white and color.

The film itself was a typical early movie - bad sound, bad picture, bad editing. The story and its blatant anti-Jewish message was pretty clear, but everything else was kinda fuzzy, especially the scenes of the Jews performing rituals. When I put myself into the position of my fellow classmates, they truly did seem strange, dancing frantically with huge objects (ספרי תורה), and chanting strange chants.

After the film, I came home and went to a shiur. It took place in a shul, and I was surrounded by people. These people, however, quite unlike the ones in the film, were full of color! The clothes, the hair, each unique and distinct face...vibrant with color and life.

And I realized the difference between the film I had seen and the reality I had witnessed. The film was made by an outsider, one unfamiliar with the Jewish world and its beauty, and, in fact, one who was looking for the bad and the strange within it. My shiur on the other hand, was attended by participants of the life, who see the wonderful reality of it every day!

When looking at Judaism (and especially the Orthodox brand, regardless of prefix), the question to ask is how you view it. Are you an outsider, seeing an ugly, fuzzy, noisy picture, or do you allow yourself inside, and open yourself up to the beauty and color within?

Note to self:

Keep your big mouth shut.

Words destroy. They rip tears in people's hearts. They rip apart relationships. The Chofetz Chaim says that you should assume things are secrets unless specifically told otherwise.

I feel like that woman who came to a rabbi (was it the Chofetz Chaim?) and asked him how she could repent for saying Lashon Hara. He told her to take a feather blanket and rip it open (there's that word again). When she did, the feathers all flew away. She returned to the rabbi, who then told her to go and collect all the feathers.

"But it's impossible," she replied. "They've all flown in so many different directions; they're impossible to retrieve now!"

"That's just the point," responded the rabbi. Words are like that. Once they're out of your mouth they're gone. They can't be taken back.

But words are not like feathers, but rather like big, sharp knives...flying every which way, striking whatever they hit...

I wish I could adequately apologize.

Incidentally, I was just listening to a tape by R' Noach Orlowick, and he said an amazing truth: "The more aware a person is, the more capable he or she is to feel both pleasure and pain."
So it's zeh l'umas zeh - on so many levels.

Pesach Lessons

1. Watching someone get excited about Torah is amazing-absolutely wonderful. It just lifts me up and carries me...well, I just like it a lot.

2. I miss my sister when she's away. But my sister's friends can sometimes help with that, especially when I need serious ranting or advising :) B's cool, so her friends must be cool too! Thanks again.

3. Chiquitita, you and I know/that the heartaches come and they go...you're awesome! :)

4. "Off the Derech" - I'm reading it now...be prepared for a review sometime in the general future...

5. I am an excellent actress. Better than I even thought.

6. Putting a major research paper off until the absolute last moment is really really not a good idea. Especially when the last time you wrote a paper for this professor, you worked really really hard on it and the prof. now expects the same results...

7. Need dating advice? Of all my friends (all of which but one are currently attached), I am apparantly the guru. Which is kinda funny, 'cause I have the least experience in engagements.

8. I don't wanna move to that claustrophobic city up north...but I may just have to :-/

The Jewish Bloggers' Campaign for Responsible Speech Online

While avoiding rewriting my essay that's due next week, I was doing random blogger searches (very very bad), and found this, which I definitely want to be a part of! (The main point is about 1/4 of the way down the page. To quote Jewschool:

The recommendation for bloggers carrying this banner is that they be
mindful before pressing the "Publish" button and that they ask this
consideration from their site's contributors - both other bloggers on their
site and visitors. Ask yourself before posting, I"s what I've written a
kiddush Hashem (a sanctification of God's name) or a chilul Hashem (a
desecration of God's name)?" If it's the latter, consider revising your
remarks to preserve your point, while minimizing whatever harm you may do to
your fellow. In other words, attack the idea, not the person, and do so
tactfully and respectfully.

With my limited computer knowledge, I couldn't figure out how to get the little banner of the Chofetz Chaim on my sidebar, but y'all should know (by now that I wholly support this initiative, and kudos to Jewschool for making it known among a far larger readership than I ever could have).

Update: Thanks to defen's highly superior blogging knowledge, I now do have the Chofetz Chaim on my sidebar. Thanks again, defen!

It Must be Spring Break...

I had time to sit and watch a movie! Well, actually, I didn't, but it was from 1947, black and white, and certainly educational, so I think it was acceptable.

Fascinating. I'm taking a class this semester on history and film in the 1930s in the US, USSR, and Nazi Germany, so I've gotten to analyzing old films quite a bit. So when my sister asked me if I wanted to watch Gentlemen's Agreement (1947) with her, I was pretty interested.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the movie, but as soon as it was over, I felt that I had to research it a bit-to find out the film stats. on it, see how popular audiences thought about it, etc.

In short, the plot: A journalist goes "undercover" by claiming he is a Jew so that he can do an article on anti-semitism.

What struck me most about this film was the depth that it actually went into exploring the idea of hatred. True, the Jewish theme could have been replaced by an African American theme, or an Irish theme (depending on the period), but it was, imho, pretty honest. It discussed self-hating Jews and the real loud WASPS who call them names, but it also talked about subtle anti-semitism that existed in the 40's - not selling houses to Jews, not allowing them into country clubs...'twas interesting. The most crucial point that it mentioned, however, was complacency - how it's not enough just to get mad about something and talk about it. You have to do something to show that you care, or else all you say is, literally, just talk.

It wasn't the best film I've ever seen (although it won three Oscars-best film, best director, and best supporting actress), but it was quite thought-provoking.

Has anyone else seen it?

Perspective: What Golden Calf?

In this week's parsha, hidden between the halachos of the קטורת, the שלש רגלים, and Moshe's vision of Hashem's "back" is a short incident that changed Judaism. The עגל הזהב was considered such a bad עברה that we are still being punished for it (although even so Hashem still promised that He would never exchange us for another people....but that's a whole other discussion). But this whole incident is not at the beginning nor at the end of the parsha, it's in the middle, sandwiched between the halachos of the משכן, which were completed exactly as commanded, and the description of Moshe and his greatness. Why is it squirreled away? Why is it not listed in a prominent place, if it had such a long-lasting affect upon future generations?

The answer touches on a recent (heated) conversation that I had with my dear, beloved B.

Some people feel that there are a lot of problems in Orthodox (specifically Yeshivish) Judaism. These people feel, for some reason, that the best way to address these problems and perhaps (although I'm not sure how) to solve them is to blast them across the web.

To those people, I respond: look at where the Golden Calf is described in the Torah. Before we even get to it, we talk about the solution to it, a description of what we can do to solve the great sin that was committed, before it happens! The whole description of the Mishkan, which was built in part as an atonement for the Golden Calf, is written before the action was even committed! The Torah changes around the entire historical order of events to do this, so you'd think it's a bit important.

I know it is.

Admittedly, there are issues that need to be addressed in the frum community. So if you see them, PLEASE, describe in detail what we (all of us, as ONE people) can do, or, better, take action to directly solve the problem! Blasting your fellow Jews, will never help. That will not solve anything-if anything, it will just cause more hatred between brothers (Sibling Rivalry, to quote Sakrfys, which is the most heart-breaking "issue" of all, and the reason we don't have Moshiach).

Why would you want to create hatred when there was none before? Follow the example of the Torah, which doesn't start nor end the Parsha on a negative note. Try to end every conversation (or blog post, for that matter), positively! See if it makes you a happier person...it's done that for me!

I have a friend who taught me to see the other side of every situation. I am eternally grateful to her, because it is solely due to her that I can see light in the darkest night.

There ain't room in this town for the two of us...

There is only one kind of person in the world about whom Hashem says "He and I cannot exist in the same place." This is someone who's arrogant.

Why not that serial killer? Why not, even, the one who performs a Chilul Hashem, disgracing His Name?

Because everyone can do teshuva. Once someone realizes that he or she has done something wrong, it is possible to clear the slate. Sincerity is crucial, but it can and has been done! ;)

The problem with an arrogant person is that he cannot admit that he's wrong. By definition, he considers himself infallable and therefore refuses to admit to a mistake. So he won't do teshuva-he will persist in his bad ways (or even way-it could be one particular thing) and refuse to assess himself and try to change. This is an extremely dangerous character trait, because our whole purpose here is change! And life is like a down escalator-if you're not working to go up, then by definition, you're falling.

So what does this have to do with me? I have seen the most arrogance in people with Ph.D.'s (although, I've also met some absolutely wonderful people, such as my advisor, who have, for some reason, avoided the pitfall). I guess prolonged study in anything will do that to you. You become The Authority on that particular topic, and so you feel like you are The Authority on everything! (Including other people's religions, which can get kind of annoying when it's your religion that they're pontificating on...)

But its fascintaing, to me, because these people (and I've had experience with two such people in the past week) can't learn anymore, unless they teach it to themselves.

It's really kind of sad.

Disclaimer: Notwithstanding this, I still see a Ph.D. in my distant future. It's just a warning that this is a danger. And Tina, you are certainly NOT in this catagory ;)

Public הודעה

משנכנס אדר מרבים בשמחה :) :) :)

I just wanted to put out a public הכרת הטוב.

First and foremost, to the One.

I don't know if I've been getting this across clearly enough, but I've been extremely stressed out recently, and it's not going to end any time soon (at least not till May 25-when I walk down that aisle!! ;) No, not the wedding one...at least as of now...).

For some reason, though, I sat down tonight, rather (read: much much) later than I expected to, and got nervous. And then proceeded to do what needed to be done. Even the Latin homework was easier than it had been earlier tonight, so I know that couldn't have been natural! We really do get small miracles in our lives daily-it's just a matter of identifying them. After all, מקרה can be switched around to 'רק מה!

I feel very sad for people who don't believe in some kind of guiding power in thier lives. I don't know how I could function without knowing that He is there for me, always! Knowing that, I am able to tackle the seemingly impossible, 'cause He is holding my hand! Isn't that amazing?? Sounds simplistic and naive, perhaps, but it astounds me every time I think about it. To convince yourself that there is no one there except us physical Earthlings makes lonliness very lonely indeed.

Second thanks go to y'all for the better-than-platitudes.

Words are incredibly powerful, and many of you have more than your share of capability for their use.

Third, to the awesome people that worked on and came to Sunday night. I don't need birthday presents, but an evening spent with friends (and other random guests ;) ) really makes it special. Special thanks to the A. family for making all that food and then allowing me to play while they cleaned up...;)

...and that's my positivity for the week/month/semester!!
I'll (likely) be back...