As I near graduation from university, and as so many things happen in the worlds of the people around me, I took out my yearbooks last night-from both middle school and high school. It was an eye-opening experience, and I cried, for the first time in quite a while.
It was a kind of selfish crying, when I think about it. So many people close to me are going through things that are so much more worthy of tears, but it was reading my old yearbooks that finally did it for me.
I suppose the nostalgia kinda rushed over me unexpectedly, and that's what hit me so strongly. I was reading the messages that people wrote to me so long ago, between 8th and 12th grades. We were so innocent, so excited for the future. So happy to start a new chapter in our lives and sure that we'd all continue our relationships just as they were.
The Graduation Song from Vitamin C has been playing in my mind ever since:
As we go on
We'll remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever...
That's what made me cry. Those words of certainty from people whom I thought would always be there, would always know my every thought, and would never leave. Many of them did, though, some earlier than others, and some later.
Certainty is impossible, and I'm the proof of it-I'm beginning a new chapter of my life soon as well, and leaving people behind. Shinuy makom, shinuy mazal. I certainly hope that it is only a physical leavetaking from those friends that remain, and not a permanent one, but considering the odds, who knows.
I guess there's not really a point to this post...I'm just emoting, and I'm not sure how to address it, so I'm attempting it through words.
(If blogger had the emoticons that livejournal had, I'd put "mood: uncertain")
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Life has changed quite a bit. I'm still "a frum, female, actress, eternally grateful for the life in which I was raised," trying to follow the advice of Julia Blum and "Dream Big Dreams." My dreams might have changed a bit. Although theatre and manuscripts still play an important role within them, they're not always the main focus...
4 comments:
I think I'd probably get pretty emotional if I read my 8th grade yearbook as well.
Tina...you don't have one, do you? ;)
It's interesting to look back at the people you knew once, and who knew you so well, but now you wouldn't have anything to say to each other. Or you might have what to talk about, but it still isn't the same. It makes me sad, sometimes. When we all go our separate ways, a part of my heart goes with them. But eventually I find new friends, and I'm still happy.
It's sad to look at my highschool yearbook from a little while back as 2 girls died.
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